The World’s Best Newsletter - May Edition

It’s newsletter time!

Hiya gang. Seth here. Spring has sprung, the golf courses are open, I can walk the dog without gloves, it’s finally time for the 4 bearable months here in Central AB. Make the most of them! Or don’t; do whatever you want, I’m not your dad.

A few of you had the nerve, the absolute gall to mention that the last The World’s Best Newsletter (TWBN) was a bit long. But if it were any shorter I would have to edit, then it would be An Unsubscribeworthy Newsletter, and that just won’t fly. This one may be longer. 1383 words. Buckle up.

First off, this is where I would put the BOOK NOW button (get on it, salonMonster, link me up) but since it’s not part of this new format, it’s now on you to go to my website (the BN button isn’t on Google anymore, let’s go sM) and book your next cut.

As for this month, we’re getting into the good stuff. What you’ve all been waiting for. SKIN CARE!!!

I know what you’re thinking. “But Seth, I’m a man. I’m a guy, bro. I’m a dude, dude. I don’t need to care about my skin. I used sunscreen once in my life while golfing in Phoenix and I didn’t even need to. Used all that sunscreen and I didn’t even burn.” And I’m here to tell you that using skin care is kinda like using deodorant or a breath mint; you may think you don’t need it, but buddy, you do.

A few months ago I got an eye serum and a facial moisturizer because I think I’m worth it, thank you very much. I hid them away because society has trained me that it’s not manly to use them. I applied them morning and night. Not 4 days later my wife asked me if I’d been using something on my face. The results were that quick! I tried applying thrice a day to make like Cher and turn back time, but to no avail. Twice will suffice.

We all know how time works. You’re living your life, business as usual. Then one day you spit out your toothpaste and look in the mirror…aaaaand you’re old. “But that can’t be, I looked in this very mirror yesterday and I was youthful! Why is my haunted mirror showing me images of my dad?” Did that unhoused person you scowled at put a curse on you, Thinner-style? Or is it Karma coming back for you in a way you didn't anticipate but deserve?

One day you’re out for wings with your high school friends, talking glory days and feeling fine. The next day you’re in the break room sitting beside your coworker Glen. The new kid, Mark, is just out of high school and he asks if the world was really black and white back then like it was in pictures. You ask, “Are you talking to me or Glen?” “Either of you. You're the same age, right?” says Mark.

Glen has worked for the company since 1987. He listens to Trooper on purpose and has a ponytail even when he’s not working. He has a wheeze about him, he gargles with gravel and his skin is 80 grit. He’s ridden his Harley through more than one sandstorm (shoutout Darude) and he dry-shaves with a nicked-up Leatherman he found in a creek. 

Glen has earned every line on his face. He was a roadie for Motley Crue until they fired him for being too “out of control”. He hitchhiked out of the desert to escape Hunter S. Thompson because he was “too boring”. He can build a working carburetor out of Mechano and he uses an oily dipstick to stir his coffee. A single can of RC Cola will last him a whole 40 of Royal Reserve, and he can roll his own cigarette with one hand while playing Thunderstruck with the other.

Glen.

If Happy Days was set in the 80s, Glen would be The Fonz. Your mom has heard of, and thought of Glen, as have the ladies in her dress club. His favourite t-shirt is a sleeveless Whitesnake “Come an’ Get It” Tour 1981 original whose sleeves were used as tourniquets in Bolivia and Senegal, three years apart. 

Glen.

Glen once visited the Sourdough Saloon in Dawson City and accidentally drank The Toe and graciously offered his own to replace it. They declined but he had already chopped his off and dropped it in the jar. He lights each cigarette with the last one and doesn’t bother to roll the window of his ‘78 Dodge down when he smokes. Doesn’t like to “waste perfectly good smoke” he says. Once he yawned during coffee break and his face sounded like twisting a leather jacket sleeve. He goes through pillowcases monthly due to them being ruined by his face rubbing on them at night.

You ask Mark, “Do you really think we’re the same age?” as you point to Glen. Mark shrugs his shoulders and gives that annoying wide-eye that teenagers do. And you think to yourself, “No, I won’t go that route. I need to start taking care of my skin. I wonder who can help?”

I can!

From my new friends at Groom (lesindustriesgroom.com), I now carry a line of skin care to suit your needs. 

Eye Serum to help with the dark bags under your eyes like Glen has, only his are from multiple black eyes and sleepless benders. The Eye Serum has cedar bark that stimulates microcirculation and attenuates vasodilation responsible for staining the rings, and quinoa extracts to stimulate adipose, i.e. the dissolution of the fats forming the bags.

Face Serum has reishi extracts to act on the firmness of the skin to counteract and reduce crow's feet and brown spots. Glen has crow’s feet and brown spots, he also has crow’s feet in a jar and brown spots on all his furniture.

The face serum has Novoretin, a natural alternative to retinol, for a recognized anti-aging effect, and hyaluronic acid complex: two types of hyaluronic acid combine to maintain an optimal level of hydration across all layers of the skin. Insert Glen joke here

Facial Exfoliator you can use to wash your face, it has fine clays kaolin and montmorillonite to purify pores in depth and regulate sebum production, bamboo textured exfoliant to effectively dislodge dead skin, and fruit acid complex: stimulates cell renewal of the epidermis. I’ve been using this in the shower and quite like it.

Best of all, we’ve got a Mattifying Face Moisturizer so you can moisturize and not get all shiny. Because Rod forbid people find out you care about your skin.

Glen looks like Pig Pen but he wouldn’t judge even if you did come to work with moisturizer that made your skin a bit shiny, for he is cool. He knows that everyone is free to make the choices they make and it’s nobody’s business but their own. Glen rules. Glen is pro everything but makes no fuss about anything. Because if you don’t like what you’ve got, why don’t you change it? If your world is all screwed up, then rearrange it. In the end it comes down to your thinking, and there’s really nobody to blame. When it feels like your ship is sinking and you’re too tired to play the game, nobody’s going to help you, you’ve just gotta stand up alone and dig in your heels and see how it feels to raise a little hell of your own. Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell! (guitar solo)

Love you, see you soon. You’re handsome.

Your second favourite barber,

Seth

P.S. *I checked and I have no client named Glen, so I felt it was okay to use this name. I don’t know a Glen like this, so don’t feel attacked.

P.P.S. *I hope you have the best Victoria Day long weekend celebrating someone who died before the country of Canada reached the age of consent and who married her first (1st) cousin and had nine (9) children together. She got multiple places in the world named after her, and her husband/cousin/cousband got Prince Albert, Saskatchewan named after him.