The Seth Files, or, Seth’s Education
Happy July, Ladies and Gentlemen and everyone in between.
Wanna hear something crazy? My email list is 621 recipients* as of today, adding a few a week. That means at least 50 people read this newsletter! The rest don’t check their spam.
The housekeeping notes I usually start the newsletter with may be old hat to most of you, but we need to do the orientation to all the newbs.
*I know I don’t have 621 regulars, I see about 150 clients per month. Some are once or twice a year, some were one-and-dones who never unsubscribed but maybe they’ll dig in their junk mail one day and say, “Oh yeah, that guy. I guess it wasn’t the worst cut, maybe I’ll try again.” And some of you are just really nice and apparently have time on your hands to read my non-A.I. slop. Just regular slop.
AND THE HOUSEKEEPING NOTES ARE AS SUCH:
Book Here for a cut
Free parking in back beside the sweetest 2006 Honda Civic you’ve ever seen, complete with beauty marks (rust).
Haircuts are 45 minute blocks but SalonMonster books in 15 minute increments, so I may need to bump you 15 mins forward or back to fit best. If you’re super pressed for time, let me know and I’ll work around you. Also, you really need to stop working so hard.
Put. It. In. Your. Calendar. Everyone gets 1 free no-show because life, after that you gotta pay for the appointment you missed. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Jk I do.
Oh, and I’m off Aug 8-18, and once I return, it’s Back-To-School Madness, so plan accordingly and book right now!
I don’t know about you, but summer is getting busy in my personal life, which I hate, as a natural Person Of Laziness. Last summer was a beautiful waste because we did nothing. Now I’ve got a weekend trip, a weeklong trip, various wings with friends, just so many fun things to keep me from reading in my chair, which is all I really want to do. The world is trying to keep me busy and happy and connected and I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
Seth’s Etiquette Tips
Not many people realize how hard hair loss and thinning is on self confidence. I don’t think it’s a vanity thing, I think it’s because friends and coworkers think it’s okay to openly make fun of it. It’s really not, because it’s something that can’t be helped, and prohibitively expensive to fix. And it doesn’t even look bad! It’s like how a woman gets self-conscious and low self esteem because she’s overweight but to everyone else she’s an absolute showstopper. Or how I wish for a new vehicle instead of my rusty old jalopy, but when I drive by a group of teens they flip up their sunglasses and say “Man, that Civic is SICK!” Don’t laugh, it’s paid for.
Many dudes with receding hairlines make it look good, with the right style. See: Jude Law, Walton Goggins, etc. Just gotta own it. Full send.
I personally think it’s not much different from commenting on or joking about a woman’s body shape, or a friend’s learning disability.You just don’t do it. Don’t forget, karma hears you make jokes about your friend’s hairline, and it remembers. And it may not come back as hair loss, but as something much, much worse.
So next time someone pokes fun at your hairline you are hereby allowed, nay, obligated, to gather the whole office to make fun of that person's consumer debt ratio, their failures, their kid’s failures, and/or their stupid tattoo. Show this to your lawyer.
Did You Know?
ZZ Top has 3 members, and the only one without a beard is the drummer whose name is Frank Beard. Can anyone explain that to me? Was he just sick of the jokes? I mean, there had to have been more comments about him being beardless. Nominative determinism be damned! Actually, it’s that kind of spite that I can get behind. He has all my respect. Not enough to make me listen to them, though.
I’m reminded of a story.
Karl Marx was a teacher at one point. He obviously cared about teaching young minds, but he was told it paid well, and he wanted to climb the social ladder and get rich. He enjoyed the process of instructing and seeing the kids “get it”. It was a good way to get to a professorship at the university, which is where the real money was. But at the end of the first term he was in the teacher’s lounge and the principal asked if his students were getting good Marx. The faculty all laughed, but Karl didn’t find it funny. “I can’t help the name I was given,” he muttered.
The children tried making the jokes, depending on his mood. If he was jolly, they would say they all got Good Marx that day. To which he would respond with Fs all across the board. Or whatever F is in German. But kids are forgiven for jokes, because they are still figuring out empathy and reading the room.
Their parents, who ought to know better, caught on and made jokes. The poorer parents didn’t joke, they were just happy their children were getting an education. But the rich parents didn’t hold back. They would laugh so hard at the same old joke that their monocles would fall out. All those jerks were clean shaven, so he grew a beard. He insisted on correcting people that he wasn’t giving marks, he was giving grades, and other such Marx-isms. The bourgeoisie mocked him, saying that he was so anti-establishment that he would only use lower-case letters. “I’ll show them, I’ll write a book called Das Kapital.”
He got so sick and tired of the rich people making fun of him that he didn’t want to run away from the pain, he wanted to turn his anger into a revolution.
The moral of the story is, if you don’t want Communism, don’t make fun of people.
Crazy Seth’s Blowout Sale
Let’s throw my fiscal reason to the wind (and 3 sheets while we’re at it) and take 10% off all products until Labour Day. Stock up! It seems my suppliers raise their prices quite often these days, because that’s the world we roll over and live in, so get it while you can. And if you want to just get your product from WalMart to save money (and put your elbows down and give the Waltons your money to hoard instead of a poor small business owner with mouths to feed, and stimulating the economy), that’s okay. I do it, too. Just don’t tell me. I just want you to be happy and stable. But also to look good.
Anyway, I’m sorry I wasted your time. But it sure beats social media, doesn’t it?
Love you, you're handsome and/or pretty, and you're doing just fine. And don’t forget to always keep a cold beer in the toilet tank.
Your Second Favourite Barber,
Seth
PS:
Important Links!
If you’re sick of constant bad news, here's some Good News!
If you’re sick of bad music, here’s The World's Best Playlist!
If you’re sick of reading good books and would prefer one written by some rube that is meant to be purely fiction but the author worked the same job as the main character so people think it’s autofiction enough to make the author regret ever publishing it but he still wants people to read it for some autosadistic reason, here’s a link.