March

Alright, let’s lead off with the important stuff, some unimportant stuff, then the most important item saved for the end. We call that an Unimportant Sandwich.

Item #1: I’ve received notice that most of the Groom products I carry are going up about $2 apiece. I won’t do what the gas stations do and immediately raise current prices, so if you’d rather put that $2 toward a half a litre of gas, then you’d better stock up! 

Item the 2nd: It gets busy right before Easter because people like to clean up for their ever-judgmental mothers at family dinner, and they want to look good for Jesus when He comes back to town for the long weekend. So if you also want to get cleaned up, book a cut, pronto! Your pre-Easter cut. Preaster, if you will. Preaster? Priest? Wait a minute…

Third Item: I was getting a massage the other week, because I think I’m worth it thank you very much, and when my massage therapist was working on my neck and head, she said “Your hair is so soft! What do you use in it?” I had only used Jeris Hair Tonic in it that day. So obviously I ordered some to sell you so you can also have the softest hair. Hair tonic is great because it’s a liquid with no hold, but it’ll keep your hair from frizzing out, and keeps it feeling very nice, especially if you use it regularly. Come try some out!

Onto the less important stuff, the meat of the sandwich.

Happy almost Spring! By the calendar, anyway. 

We here in Central Alberta get 2 of the 4 season changes right. First day of summer? That tracks, as it doesn’t get warm until late June ‘round these parts. But that’s the day the days start getting shorter, so that’s the speck of dust on the diamond of summer. Autumnal Equinox, first day of fall, that’s also fairly accurate, as although the leaves have been yellow for over 3 weeks, it’s about the time when your neighbours put out their HomeSense Raggedy Andy scarecrows, half peeled corn cobs, and white pumpkins. And when the super weirdos put out their Halloween stuff. (Don’t forget: Halloween stuff gets put out Oct 1, Xmas stuff Dec. 1. No exceptions)

The Winter Solstice? We’re a good 6-8 weeks into winter by the time the “first day of winter” rolls around. And Spring? 6 weeks after the American Groundhog’s worst case scenario we still have snow on the ground and no green sprouts to be seen for another 2 months. 

But it’s when Spring Fever kicks in. We get excited about landscaping plans, being able to go out for a walk after dinner and get back home before it’s dark. It’s the best time. 

We get haircuts because the touques get put away, unless you’re a longshoreman or a cool teenager. Beachcomber Chic. We go buy new shorts because last year’s pairs shrunk over winter. Is there anything better than finally driving around with your window down after 6 months of breathing your cabin air filter?

Where on Earth do all the seasons line up perfectly? Where is this Xanadu?

There is a place we can go where it’s all perfect. It’s called New Eden…topia…ton…ville…burg.

I imagine this idyllic, mythical location to drastically switch at every season change; winter gets plenty of snow that the municipality promptly clears off the streets, and has a daytime high of -7C and a nighttime low of -10C, including windchill. Summer gets a high of 28C and it rains 3 nights a week. There are no seasonal pressure headaches. Fall leaves stay on for 2 months, and grass and leaves start growing again as soon as the snow promptly melts in the spring. There are no mosquitos or wasps, and pizzas are always fully cut all the way through. Lightbulbs never burn out, and the shower temperature is perfect as soon as you turn it on. My fades are perfect every time and once a hair is cut it gets vaporized into thin air so it doesn’t make you itchy or stick to my clothes.

It’s going to be awesome, and you’re all invited, obviously. There are rules, though, gotta run a tight ship if we want paradise. There will be no bumper stickers, and Harleys and diesel trucks will run silent. You can listen to Weezer but nothing after Pinkerton. It’s for the greater good.

There’s also a dress code. No shirt, no shoes: no service. That’s pretty standard. Also no manners, no patience: no live there.

It’s worth it, though. You can drink all you want but you’ll never get beyond the 2 drink buzz, and there are no hangovers. You can eat all the Big Macs you want and you’ll never exceed your daily caloric intake.

Much like a sci-fi movie but with a good ending, you’ll have to visit the lab upon entry to have all your bad memories erased. Not the important ones, just the little annoying ones like the stupid things you said that keep you up at night. Like the time I was serving tables and went up to greet new customers and I went to say “Hi guys” but my brain wanted to be gender inclusive and call an audible and switch it up to “Hey gang” at the last second so I said “Hiya gays”. That actually happened, and I wish there was a procedure to make it like it never did. Or to delete every time I held out my hand for a shake and looked down at a fist waiting to be bumped. That doesn’t happen in New Edentopiatonvilleburg.

Every device is always charged, and turning arrows don’t happen when there’s nobody in the turning lane.

You’re allowed to make as much money as you want, but you’re not allowed to tell anyone how much you make. And you’re not allowed to give a negative opinion on anything unless it’s asked, or it’s said in a newsletter that people can opt out of (That’s the beauty of these things. Sorry, Harley riders). Oh and there’s no social media of any kind. If you want to know what people are up to, you have to go see them in person.

Alas, until I can make a city on an island in the most ideal temperate location, we’ll have to do with what we have and learn to be happy here.

To quote Canada’s greatest songwriter, John K. Samson, “We know this world is good enough, because it has to be”.

And now for the most important part you’ve been waiting for:

I’m proud of you and you’re doing great. And if you’re not, nothing is forever.

Go do!

Your Second Favourite Barber,

Seth.

Book a cut!