Happy Winter Solstice and Other Events!

Hiya gang, Seth here. I hope The World’s Best Newsletter finds you well. It’s the longest one yet. Treat it as a little escape from work and life.

Thanks for being my client. I may not get it 100% every time, but I’m always striving to get there one day, to be better and more consistent, and the fact that you keep coming back not only makes me more confident, it makes me want to do better because I just don’t want to let you down! (How's this for a new slogan: Seth's Barbershop - Home of The "Good Enough" Haircut)

Seth's Soapbox right out of the gate:

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, but this can be a hard time for many people. A lot of us have to spend time with people we don’t want to. And we feel bad for feeling that way. It’s okay, and common, to love someone but not really like them. We all have at least one family member whom we love, yet we have to brace ourselves to engage in a dinner conversation with. Maybe you have a cousin you used to be close with but they are suddenly a geopolitical economist orating on separation and immigrants. Maybe you have a parent who is now a medical expert and has every right to give their take on trans kids. Maybe your in-laws, (“I get along perfectly with my in-laws!” Okay buddy. Sure. Mmhmm. Sure.) they come over and comment on your home decor and how they would never have that in their house. We all rank our children and have most to least favourites (yes you do, and it’s okay. Just don’t let them catch on), and people can get super annoying this time of year, especially kids. With their joyful hearts and looks of wonder. Ugh. 

Aside from dealing with people we may not enjoy, some of us have bad memories tied to this time, and some people can’t read the room when getting all annoying about how much they love Xmas. People post their happiest times on social media, and we naturally compare our lives to those we see online (“I don’t compare myself to others, I’m perfectly content!” Hokay bud. Riiiight.) and I want you to know it’s okay to mute those people with their “Look how many friends I have and we’re all besties and my home and kids are perfect and yours isn’t, don’t you wish you had all I do?” It can be a demoralizing and even emasculating time, and you’re normal for wanting to block, mute, or even punch, them (but don’t actually get violent).

And when you’re shopping, try to shop local. It’s impossible to do it all at small shops, I, too, use Amazon. If you’re doing the good deed of buying at a small shop, use cash or debit. You won’t miss the 10 Aeroplan miles, or whatever they give you in exchange for high interest and crushing debt.

Did you Know?

My kids asked me the age old question of where Santa Claus came from, and I wasn’t quite sure, so I looked it up. Did you know? He’s a fugitive.

Johann Sinterklaas was a Danish fisherman, long ago. Date unknown. On land, he had a penchant for breaking into houses, like a common criminal. Uncommon, however, was his modus operandi. He would break into a house in the night and eat cookies. That’s all. And since he was in fact a good person, he would leave handmade toys behind. Nobody knows why. He was just a weirdo. He was eventually caught and scolded, but he became a repeat offender. He was sentenced to be skinned alive and turned into a jacket, which is just what they did back then, but the children of the legal council adored the toys and started a petition for his freedom. The parents gave in, being kindhearted Danes, but they couldn’t let it go on. Since Denmark owned what we now know as Greenland, they decided to exile Hr. Sinterklaas.

He took it well, since he was so jolly, but once he got there he began to crawl into the igloos and leave toys of whale bone behind. The Inuit were appreciative but still felt a bit violated, you know? So they politely asked him to stop.

“I cannot. It’s a compulsion. Call it an addiction, call it OCD, but I cannot stop.”

So they sent him away on a giant dogsled, but not wanting to send their good dogs, they subbed in 10 caribou, which are abundant in the area.They gave him a giant sack of caribou feed (bright red so they could keep see if he turned back) and they tied jingly bells to him and told him they’d hear him if he tried to return. They hitched up the caribou, pointed them due north, slapped them all on the rump and they took off like a comet.

After many weeks he arrived at the northern coastline of the Arctic Ocean. It was as close as one could get to the North Pole and not get wet. It’s in the North Pole neighbourhood. North Polish.

Now. The northern tip of Greenland is a supernatural, mystical place. Go on Google Earth or Maps and see for yourself, it’s entirely pixelated. It’s because the magic that emanates from the land blurs photos so we can’t see it. Like Chernobyl but good, but also not like Chernobyl at all. Betcha didn’t know that. And just what is there that we can’t see? Forests, rainbows, and most importantly, a race of industrious elven people. An offshoot of the Sami people of northern Scandinavia, they’ve been there forever. The laws of nature don’t apply up there. Flora and fauna well above the tree line, and a steady -5 Celsius. Gravity is all wonky there. So powerful that the people were pulled downward over hundreds of generations, making them miniature in stature, yet strong. Where they were pulled down by heavy gravity, the animals could fly. It’s nuts. Also, everyone lives forever and diabetes doesn’t exist.

Anyhoo, when Sinterklaas arrived (he changed it to Santa Claus as a fresh start), he was bearded and plump from eating 2 caribou on the journey. He looked like a literal giant to the elves. They had forgotten what a full sized human looked like, so they immediately declared him a god. Their god. They dropped 3 inches to their knees and bowed their heads in praise. He didn’t correct them. Who would?

But the elves lived communally in one giant house, which he was invited into, so there were no houses to break into. He was jonesing for a B&E, his dark passenger needing a fix. He decided to break his exile and go back home to get some cookies, but he would only go for one night. He could take the flying caribou, after all. Since it was to be only one night he needed to get as many as he could. He convinced/forced the elves to make toys for him to leave behind, as a calling card. Play a trick on those who sent him away. And they would be the best toys in the world. Kind of like going to a party you know your ex will be at, so you dress extra nicely and bring the hottest date you can find.

He did just that, hitting every house in town in one night, getting a year’s worth of tins of butter cookies. He found the magic made him so quick that every year after that he went to one more town. He got faster and faster, eventually doing the whole world in one night.

Which brings us to today. We forgive his illegal activities, because it’s technically wrong, but come on. It’s like going 5 kph over the speed limit, or pirating tv shows. Victimless crimes. Except for the wage slavery, which has direct victims. Buuuut it’s a white collar crime, so instead of jail, he’d get a bonus. Moral of the story: It’s okay to break a law if nobody sees you and you do something good to offset it. Good karma.

Before I go:

Here’s the World’s Best Spotify Playlist which you hear at the shop: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1B3EAqHENF2qcDVIqcArqm?si=PvfvPY8wQLyIaTj0nxHscg

Here’s good news: https://fixthenews.com/

Here’s a duck driving a truck!: https://youtu.be/Aq5WXmQQooo?si=N3jWnwTKeDBEfRGZ

Love you, you’re handsome and pretty, and you’ll get through this.

Your Second Favourite Barber,

Seth